Periods, Tampons & Feminine Hygiene

Right, that should have moved on the male readers of this blog.  I’m not really talking about any of the above – but it would be in the best interests of me, if males weren’t reading this particular blog post.  Nothing moves a man on faster than talk of periods.

For some reason there have been a few blog posts around the traps lately talking about the annual “pap smear” and the hilarious @bernmorley and I were having a little tweet about it this morning.  Particularly the very funny email hoax regarding the “Glitter Facewasher”.  If you haven’t read this it is a must.   You can see it here

It reminded me of a very disturbing trip to my local GP for that annual check up a couple of years ago.  It was just like any other visit.  Pleasantries on arrival, the usual questions, quick blood pressure check and then the invitation to remove clothing from the waist down and hop up on the bed.  27 years on, this is still uncomfortable.   I even visit female doctors in the hope that the awkwardness would be less.  It usually has been, until this particular day.

I get into the rather fetching position to have the Dr walk over and take a look, a bit like one would appraise a new car.  Her head cocked to one side as she says “hmmmmm  …  nice Vuvla.  How many children have you had?  It’s really nice?”   Initially I have no idea what the hell she just said – I thought we were having a pap smear, not checking out new Volvos!!!!   Then she said.  “Yes its very nice and _ _ _ _ _  ” (in the interests of good taste you can fill in the blank with a word you might use to describe a nice orange).   I KID YOU NOT!!!!!!    Sorry if that is TMI, but it needs to be said to give the full picture.  Probably not a picture you need, but … you will move on.

At this point I wanted to run, but the business end of the deal had not even been started.    I muttered an “umm thank you” and closed my eyes and thought of England!!  What does one say to a comment like that?   I still have no idea – “why thank you”, “that’s what all the boys say”, “is that normal?”,  “I bet you say that to all the girls” … eek!

I have a new doctor now.  She doesn’t give me free appraisals and I’m very happy with that.

However, last year for an unrelated visit my new doctor wasn’t available and I had to see Dr Volvo.  First thing she says to me when I sit down, “let me just check when you had your last pap smear” … she really did!    Thank goodness I had recently had one.   Phew!!!   She might just be a Doctor who really loves doing pap smears.  Personally if I was a doctor it would be up there with filing or preparing expense claims, but hey each to their own I guess.

Some of my friends have actually shown signs of jealousy because their Doctors have never told them theirs was nice.  In hindsight, I guess I’m lucky to have been noticed, and, I might add I did not have to use the glitter face cloth to get attention.

I’d be interested to know if anyone else has had this experience??


About Annieb25

A mum to 2 teenage boys, would be writer, thirsty for knowledge, Radio Solution solver on Radio 1116 4BC and so much more!!
This entry was posted in Hard Hitting Questions, Volvo's & Glitter and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

53 Responses to Periods, Tampons & Feminine Hygiene

  1. Tracy Rudd says:

    ROFLMAO! Seriously, I’m still laughing almost too hard to type!!

    That really takes the cake. I’m not sure whether to be horrified or jealous, either. I mean, is this genital appraisal something that GP’s discuss amongst themselves – “ooh, I saw a VERY juicy one yesterday” – or is there some kind of rating system? ‘Cos I wouldn’t want to think that mine fails in some regard, you know? I’m just a little vain that way… lol

    PS. Just to compete a little on the awkwardness stakes – you, and some others on Twitter know just how awesome I say my landlords are (new stainless steel stove of my choice, you know)… but have I mentioned that my landlady is also our village GP, and that every so often she looks at my patient records and says “Right, up on the table…”. 😛

    • Annieb25 says:

      OMG you win the awkwardness award!! That is so funny. I hate bumping into my Dr at the shops, I always hide.

  2. Good grief! Can honestly say nobody has ever appraised my Volvo in such a fashion. But I am contemplating glitter for my next visit, just to, you know, shake things up a bit.

    • Annieb25 says:

      Your comment cracked me up. Every time I get ready to go for the visit I chuckle about the Glitter Face Cloth. I reckon you would really shake things up in that small town if u did it. LOL

  3. You know, I had a similar experience at my last pap (with a male doctor, no less). He was more tactful, I’ll give him that. But I think what he was trying to convey what that the, uh, factor generally attributed to oranges, signifies where one is in the perimenopause spectrum. And the more, oh f*ck it, PULPY one is, the further from actual menopause they are. I don’t know your situation, but that was the explanation given to me at least.

    Well there. Now you know. We both drive lovely volvos.

    • Annieb25 says:

      Oh my – a male doctor – that just gave me a nervous rash – glad he was more tactful. If I see you driving by in your lovely Volvo I’ll give you a wave 😉

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  5. TheNDM says:

    That’s fantastic! I’m totally jealous.

    I think some doctors are definitely pushing their own private agenda during consultations. Every time I had the misfortune of seeing the ‘lesser’ doctor at the practice I went to as a teenager, he always asked me if I wanted him to show him how to check my breasts. Uh, no thanks, was always my response. And yet he asked Every. Single. Time.

    My word of advice to you, Annie, is the next time you have to see that particular doctor, nip into the toilet and do a spot of vajazzling before the appointment. If you’ve got it, flaunt it, I say.

    • Annieb25 says:

      Ahh yes the good old Vajazzling – I fear she may not let me out if I do that. Nothing beats a pimped up Volvo I say and I think she’ll agree! As for your “lesser” doctor – could explain why he was always the “lesser” doctor. Eeuw.

  6. Bern Morley says:

    My fave bit – “I still have no idea – “why thank you”, “that’s what all the boys say”, “is that normal?”, “I bet you say that to all the girls” … eek!” You are freaking hilarious.

    What a nutter of a doctor. Seriously after having three babies and having my own vulva on garish display, I still get so terribly embarrassed when getting up on that table and letting my knees just “flop down” Ends justify the means and all that but sheesh.

    Lovely way to start my Sunday Miss Annie.x

    • Annieb25 says:

      Yes I hate that “just let your knees drop” request – it never. ever. feels right! I’m so glad I made you laugh – and I love that you said “I’m freaking hilarious” coming from you that is a huge compliment. Enjoy ur Sunday. I bet you smile if you see a Volvo.

  7. Naomi says:

    Well, that cheered me up! I had (male) gyno down that end once, his nurse assistant was there too… I was ready for a number of questions… but not this one, “Hmmm, just wondering of you smoke marijuana?” I kid you not. I am still, to this day baffled as to what led him to ask this question… I mean, even if I did smoke it, I would have used my mouth.

    • Annieb25 says:

      LOL I’m glad u smiled. I am still pondering the question re marijuana? They must have done it a strange way where he came from ?? I’ll be doing some research on that one. How odd? And I’m glad u would have done it the conventional way 😉

    • Bern Morley says:

      Wow, perhaps your Volvo was looking particularly hungry and moving slow? Hahha, what a RANDOM question!

  8. sarah says:

    prepare for an overshare here ladies: I have had the opposite experience, where my GP couldn’t disguise her look of horror as she went about ‘the business’…her exact response was “oh no, something needs to be done here”. Let me clarify that this was my first pap smear after birthing a 5kg baby with forceps. There was carnage at the scene, put it

  9. sarah says:

    oops didn’t get to finish comment! Damn phone. Anyway, after some corrective surgery, i now have what is referred to in some circles as an ‘Armani punani’… I reckon I could even give you a run for your money Annie! never really thought i’d be sharing that info on a blog comment but it’s a funny old world isn’t it! Xx

    • Annieb25 says:

      An Armani Punani – how awesome. I no longer feel like the queen of the Volvo. I want me an Armani. Makes Volvo seem positively bogan! I have so many questions, but will hold back. For now. I’m still wiping the tears from crying because I laughed so much. Armani Punani. Armani Punani. Oh my.

  10. Mmmm disturbing. Mine has only told me mine looks ‘healthy & nice-and-pink’. What is it MEANT to look like? Do we care? I wish I knew what assessments the men-folk get of their nether-regions!
    Mine has squished out 3 kids and so far doesn’t leak. I’m happy with that. I have a feeling I’m a well loved old Holden and my seats are a tad saggy and I reckon I could do with some new shock absorbers ’cause mine are feeling a bit loose.

  11. Liz K says:

    My Dr has never said anything remotely like that. I think I’m relieved… He did comment on how awesome my breasts looked once but that was in reference to the job the surgeon did after my reduction rather than my actual anatomy, least that’s my story 🙂 Wonder if I’ll have to pay extra to have an Armani Punani when crash repairs are done hmmmm

    • Annieb25 says:

      I would have preferred to be relieved too! I think the extra cost for the Armani would be worth it!! 🙂

      • Liz K says:

        Perhaps if they’d done the Armani last time I wouldn’t be needing crash repairs so I reckon I should ask for the upgrade FOC lol. Tell you what though, there will be no pre-repair detailing like last time !

  12. MrsDesperate says:

    I feel insulted! No doctor has ever told me mine was nice … I also ask for a female gp, which is a bit irrational as she could be a lesbian. But I still would rather have a woman doing it as opposed to a man, not sure why. I often wonder if female GPs hate doing smears as they would probably have to do them more than male GPs. Girls and guys feel differently about these things though. Male cousin had to have a prostate exam by a GP, and chose to have one of his mates (who is a doctor I add) do it. His wife said: But weren’t you embarrassed? Um no apparently.

    • Annieb25 says:

      I was more pleased that it was a female GP who commented than a male. Whilst it was awkward, it would have been 100 x worse!! I’m glad you clarified that your cousin’s mate was in fact a doctor!

  13. Katrina says:

    Oh dear! I think I snorted! Well how lucky are you?? Hahahaha!!! Love it.

    • Annieb25 says:

      LOL I love it when you snort! I hope you have your glitter/haircut plans all sorted for your impending visit. 😉

  14. Jane says:

    Haha! Doctor Volvo, you big ol’ flirt!

    I can’t match that, but this post made me laugh.

  15. Patty says:

    I’m a Holden 4wd! *sobs.
    I must say, I haven’t been since my old doctor did a double take and I thought to myself: DO YOU MIND!
    Cured me for life. Just as an aside, one of my mates was pushing out her 3rd baby when the Matron came in and started discussing how large how girly bits were. Inappropriate conversation!
    Great topic. *Note to self: go and get a pap smear.

    • Annieb25 says:

      Yes you must go and have one. Do you want Dr Volvo’s details – she gives ‘great’ appraisals?

  16. Michelle says:

    I had some pre-cancerous cells lasered off my cervix a few years ago. I declined the wonderful opportunity of having med-students watch (ICK!) but was perplexed when the gyno finished by saying…there you go, it will look like a shiney new hubcap in no time! WHAT THE???
    I will laugh everytime I see a Volvo from here on out LOL
    thanks for the giggle!

    • Annieb25 says:

      You will laugh even louder if you see a Volvo with nice shiny hubcaps!! What the? Dr’s probably have funny little names for all our bits!

  17. sass says:

    I have had an ultrasound technician tell me I have a beautiful cervix!
    I was desperate to ask her what makes a beautiful cervix? I then wondered if she compared other cervixes (is that a word?) with hers as that is something that I would totally do!

    Going through IVF I’m now so relaxed about showing my lady garden to the world, my last transfer I had three doctors looking at my vag along with my husband.
    I’m not going to lie.
    I felt like a porn star.

    • Annieb25 says:

      See the comment above – perhaps a cervix that shines like a new hubcap is the benchmark for a beautiful cervix? I am still chuckling over your porn star comment LOLOL

  18. Gerry says:

    Oh my heavens. I had a biopsy last year with four men all looking up there (and filming it – I could see this on the big screen above my head.) They asked me if I would mind if one more joined in. “Why not,” I said. “Everyone else is here.”
    So this student doctor steps into the door (at this point I haven’t seen him) and I say, “Hang on. Can you just stay behind the curtain at least. I’m sure you can get a pretty good view of things from there.” I say this pointing at the screen.
    We get on with it and after it’s over I get dressed and stand up. I turn back the curtain and I am face to face with one of the guys I surf with regularly at my local break. Great.
    This is the trouble with small town gynecology.

    • Annieb25 says:

      Oh my. I’m feeling embarrassed for you. Awkward doesn’t even begin to describe that. How was your next surf? Did he make eye contact with you?

  19. Thea says:

    Geez Annie, I’ve only just talked myself into making an appointment for one after going 5ish years without one (yes, I know, bad girl) and you go and tell me THIS!!!

    LOL, that is so ridiculous it’s hilarious!!!

    • Annieb25 says:

      Naughty Thea. You MUST go. If it is any consolation I just found a letter in my in tray reminding me that my annual visit is due. Guess I’m going to be getting the glitter out again too!

  20. Kylie L says:

    At my last pap smear the Polish doctor told me regarding the speculum “Hmmmm… zat zlipped in very eazily”. Yep, helped me relax…
    Great blog!

    • Annieb25 says:

      lol gotta love ze polish accent! And can I say that “speculum” has always been one of my favourite words. Reminds me of those dutch biscuits you have with coffee.

  21. So many interesting pap smear stories. Feeling quite put out that I have no interesting comments to share. *sigh*

    It seems relevant to mention that my husband refers to my annual “well woman check-up” as my “grease and oil change” appointment. Shiny hubcaps indeed.

    • Annieb25 says:

      It does feel like a grease an oil change – all fits in well really. Volvo’s and shiny hubcaps. Thanks for reading my blog. x

  22. Maxabella says:

    OMG, this is fabulous. But, dear god, as if we didn’t have enough to worry about, you’re telling me there is such a thing as an attractive vajajay?

  23. Girl Clumsy says:

    Hey, very funny!

    I don’t seem to worry much about pap smears. I’ve had male as well as female GPs perform them, and never had any comments. Hopefully that means I’ve just got a base model, no kit. Which is fine with me, really, as long as all the engine parts function well and there’s a reasonably nice standard of decor.

    Haven’t ever been to a gynaecologist; perhaps they’d be more upfront with their thoughts?

    Actually wait, I did get told once that I have a something-something uterus – it’s something about the way it sits in the body? I can’t ever remember, but for some reason I think of the word “retrograde. I kind of like that. It’s like astrology:

    “Today, your uterus is in retrograde – you should buy a lotto ticket!”.

    Also, I’m sure motherhood is all wonderful and that, but BY GOODNESS I DON’T WANT TO HAVE SOMETHING EXIT MY VAGINA.

    I’m sorry, but all these comments make the whole process utterly terrifying.

    Yours truly, a scaredy-cat retro-graded Girl Clumsy.

  24. As if a pap smear isn’t uncomfortable enough!? I’ve had at least one, I think two Dr’s say to me ”oh your cervix is lovely”; “your cervix looks very nice” – but nothing about my Volvo. I’m a little miffed now, quite frankly.

  25. Maxabella says:

    I remember this post… it was a good one! It was the stick a lot of us needed to get back in there and get the dreaded smear done. Smear. What a pleasant word! x

  26. I only had to see the word ‘volvo’ to remember this post and start laughing! Thanks for Rewinding at the Fibro today. 🙂

  27. Loz says:

    OK – I stuck around to the end, mainly because I’ve come across from Life in a Pink Fibros rewind. And no I can’t talk about what it is you’re talking about, but being a man of a certain age I do know the discomfort of a finger up the nether regions. Does that count? 🙂

  28. bigwords says:

    I needed a boost today and your post made me giggle a lot. Thanks, it was hilarious! Next time I have to go for a smear I’ll have to try not to remember so I don’t start laughing! x

  29. I have a few stickers left from when we bought our car which say “You wish you were a bloody Volvo driver.” Maybe you should give that to your GP? Maybe she might have Volvo envy?

  30. Jen says:

    O.M.G. if that happened to me I think I would curl up and hide. I have had three kids and am no stranger to exposing my bits (lets face it childbirth does not leave one with much dignity) but this would finish me off altogether!! LMAO. Jen (visiting from weekend rewind)

  31. Ok, this is officially my fave post from Fibro’s Weekend Rewind! Thanks for the (over)share!

  32. juststopspeaking says:

    OMG – really “those” visits should be conducted in respectful silence !

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