Ten years ago my boys were 8 and 6 and I was ten months into a new life. A life I had chosen. A life I didn’t plan, nor really wanted. It was a life I had to have. Ten months prior to this point I had left my husband of ten years.
It is believed the number TEN (10) implies completeness of order, nothing lacking and nothing over. It signifies that the cycle is complete and that everything is in its proper order. Ten represents the perfection of divine order. *
A few weeks ago I found my diary where I wrote down my fears and failings as a mother as I navigated my way through this new and scary territory. Given where I was 10 years ago, to where I am today, I believe Ten does represent the perfection of divine order.
I also believe I need to share this journey with you. It is not a coincidence that I found this diary to coincide with the number Ten. Things happen for a reason. I had to start this today.
I am currently in the strangest place in my head. I feel extremely displaced and unsure of where I am going. This feels weird because a few weeks ago I thought I knew it all. I thought I had my life planned out. Maybe this is how life works. You reach a place where you feel comfortable and then life sends obstacles along the way to challenge your complacency. The complacent walk around them, while others, like me, question them. Try to move them. Climb over them. Perhaps we even take some of them along with us on our way.
At this moment I am wishing I was more complacent and happy to go with the flow. In many aspects of my life I can do this, but for the big stuff I can’t. I’m always challenging, asking why, doubting myself and my abilities. Especially now more than ever.
I am doubting my ability at being a mum. I am not sure any more if I am or ever have been a good mum. So many more challenges are being thrown my way. I don’t know that I have what it takes inside to be be able to deal with them all. I couldn’t deal with the challenges my exhusband and his parents put to me in my marriage and now I am having to deal with their challenges all over again.
The self doubting has started again. My self worth is being challenged. My children, my only true family, are being pulled into a world of materialism, one that I don’t want for them, and I don’t know how to stop it.
I have become needy. I am scared. I behave badly in front of my children out of pure fear that they will reject me. I am not coping. I am clinging to my children. I am pushing them away. I am drowning. I am dying. I am losing.
I have to stop reacting when they want their dad and when they want to go to his place. I somehow need to support this, but at the same time encourage them to enjoy their time with me. This is so hard when I have nothing and he has everything. I have to stop comapring what they have with him to what they have with me. I left because I didn’t want them to have everything. I need to relax more with them and start teaching them to relax with me. They say children act according to how they are being treated and the emotions around them. I’m not providing them with helpful emotions at all. I am always living in the past, looking back at what I wanted to be, hating what I’ve become.
I am very critical of the type of mother I have been. This is not helpful. I know I’ve been dealing with so much in the past 2-3 years that I haven’t been the mother I always wanted to be. Maybe we can never be that mother. They are dreams we have before we actually become mothers. Once we become a mother it is never like we imagined.
Motherhood is the toughest experience in the entire world. I was so unprepared for how difficult it would be. Nobody told me it would be difficult. I was only ever told how wonderful it would be. I enjoyed it for a couple of weeks. I basked in the glow of the excitement and the arrival of our first baby. Then, 5 weeks later, it became my worst nightmare. No sleep. No help. No guidance. No time out. Nothing. I felt trapped in a world I could see no escape from. I did not enjoy my baby at all. There were times when he was asleep that I would look at him and feel overwhelming love. When he was awake and crying and demanding all my time, I used to wish I was somewhere else. A reflux baby can do this to you. So I am told. I didn’t know this back then. I felt like a failure at the time.
In hindsight, I think having a baby strips you of your identiy. If you are secure, in a good healthy marriage this feeling is only temporary. However in my situation, my identity was already lost and having a baby made me feel like I would never get it back.
To be continued …..
I was just transported back to that moment in time. Such a scary place for me back then, but a place I needed to go to. A place I needed to navigate to become the me I am today.
* If you want to know more about the number 10 read here.