Fathers day is here again already. Another year has passed. Another year where I wondered a little more about you. This will be your 47th year as a father. Do you ever wonder about me? Do you ever wonder what happened to that little baby you created 48 years ago?
On the 11th June 1963 at 7.00 pm the life you created was finally born. You had a daughter – me. My mother was able to hold me for a few minutes before I was whisked away to the nursery for babies who were being given away. My mother tells me I looked a little like her as a baby. I’m not sure if I looked like you or your mother or your sister, but I’m sure I may have looked a little like someone in your family.
For the first 3 months of my life I was cared for by strangers. I’m not sure who filled those months with cuddles for me. I wonder if I was left to scream when I was hurting? Did I whimper myself to sleep? Did anyone cuddle me and sing soft lullabies with their lips resting gently on my head? Did anyone pace the floor holding me upright to stop the pain of my colic? Or was I left to cry it out? Alone.
I often wonder about these first 3 months of my life. Particularly when I had my own children. Oh, yes that’s right, you have 2 grandsons. They are teenagers now. When my boys were first born they were cuddled endlessly. They knew they were loved every second of their existence. I sang to them. I rocked them. I held them. I wonder if that period of not bonding with anyone causes any long term damage to a baby? I don’t believe I ever bonded with the woman who adopted me. I never recall having those warm loving feelings I feel for my children. It just didn’t happen. Perhaps that’s why, or perhaps that’s just me?
I grew up in Parkes, NSW. I had a mother, a father and two younger sisters, one of them also adopted. We were a family of sorts. And I don’t mean “good sorts”. I mean an odd assortment of people. My life was a mixture of good and bad. Let’s just say I didn’t have the father you would have wished for me. If you could pick the worst type of person to give your little girl to, he was it. Despite that, I did have many fond memories of growing up in the country.
I’m not angry at you or bitter about how my life was. Life is how it is. Without you making the decision you made I wouldn’t be where I am right now. I love the person I have grown to become. It has taken me a long time to do so, but I am happy with me. Had you made a different decision that day you decided to leave town, I would definitely be someone else. I would not have met the wonderful people who currently fill my life with joy.
There is only one thing about my life that I wish I could change. You see, I’ve never known the love of a father or a father type figure. I’ve longed for the security that a father gives his daughter. I’ve longed to be hugged by a man who loves me unconditionally and would do anything to protect me. I longed for a dad who would ensure that I was looked after by my boyfriends. I’ve always wanted to be daddy’s little girl. Sadly I never will be. C’est la vie.
I hope you have had a nice Fathers Day and I hope that as you celebrated with your children, you had a tiny little thought for that little girl you created 48 years ago. I’m sure you would be proud of me.